How My Expensive Jeans Thwarted Attack


I bought these jeans for two-hundred bucks.  It was years ago, back in the yuppie days.  These boot-cut  jeans had tasteful patina.  Two holes with frayed ends placed appropriately down the leg signalling, “man, I work hard.  How cute is my butt in these!?”   As a person who did not make those holes naturally, I made marketing proud. Like the little lemming they want me to be, I bought them without looking at the price tag.  And ho, husband did show no mercy with his jokes.  

We’re here now.  On the farm.    My expensive jeans are still going strong. The designer chose very thick denim and strong seams.   Blind faith.  These seams shall support me.  They won’t let go.  My fight song.   I wear them all the time doing hard farm and domestic labor.  Other than the holes I paid for, I’ve not worn any new holes myself.   Tough.  “Premium denim,” claims the designer.  

Yesterday, my jeans and I did an impromptu stress test.  

We have a lot of animals on the farm.  Most of them wanted and some, unwanted.  Lumi, our bred-for-beauty Golden Retriever has been obsessed with catching a clever rat that lives in our cellar.  He can hardly sleep, any noise and that dog shifts to go-mode.  Yesterday afternoon,  he had the beastie cornered.  Barking, squeaking, mayhem.  The other dogs cheered him on.  He got the rat, at last!

I opened the door and then went over to shoo the dog out.  But, he didn’t actually catch the rat.  It was hiding behind some boxes in the corner.  I moved the boxes for him.  That’s when I felt it.  That feeling you get when you think there is a rodent in your pants desperately trying to get out.

Screaming, I grabbed the rat lump in my pants to stop it from continuing up my leg.  It wiggled and I could feel its mandible articulating.  Dogs confused, me screaming, I planned my next move.  Well, I suppose I better take my pants off.  As I tried to keep the rodent in place while I unbuttoned my pants, its head popped out of my two-hundred dollar hole.  Flailing rat arms.  Jaw chompping away.  Me crouched over, hobbling to the pack of dogs yelling  “get the rat!  Lumi!  get it!”  They insisted it was still running about the floor.  I popped it out of my pants, rat fell, Lumi grabbed it and ran outside.  Attack thwarted.  No injuries.  … except for one dead rat.

I’m a bit nervous wearing my old boot-cut beauties.  They didn’t let me down, but I might opt for the “slim boot-cut” for the next few weeks.


19 thoughts on “How My Expensive Jeans Thwarted Attack

  1. Cecilia Mary Gunther October 15, 2015 / 3:25 pm

    Laughed my head right of!! Ha ha PLONK!! Love those jeans but the idea of a rat in my pants is horrifying! c

    • Jean Curtis October 15, 2015 / 3:27 pm

      I laughed and cried at the same time. My poor son, home sick, was freaked out by my reaction.

  2. Heartwalk Counseling October 15, 2015 / 5:17 pm

    OMG OROMD as Gladys prefers to say insisting that the “god” folks are just dyslexic ! Oh my dog, oh my dog what a great story & how well told ! Hooray for Lumi & your designer jeans. I’ m impressed you get to wear jeans bought long ago in ur Seattle days.

    Sent from my iPad


    • Jean Curtis October 15, 2015 / 6:25 pm

      I shall squeeze my arse in those trusty jeans as long as I can

  3. grasspunk October 15, 2015 / 5:52 pm

    Not often you get to read the phrase “two hundred dollar hole”.

    • Jean Curtis October 15, 2015 / 5:59 pm

      I tried hard to reword that, but it simply came out that way.

  4. glutenfreezen October 15, 2015 / 6:15 pm

    See, a truly good and expensive pair of jeans is always worth it. Rat trap and they make your butt look good. It’s a win-win. 🙂

    • Jean Curtis October 15, 2015 / 6:30 pm

      prepared for anything

  5. Denny October 15, 2015 / 11:58 pm

    I just about peed in my pants! Where’s a video camera when you need it.

    • Jean Curtis October 16, 2015 / 7:29 am

      hah! no way!

  6. Kipper October 16, 2015 / 1:15 am

    first reaction was goose bumps, then I giggled. Glad the rat is dead and you and the jeans are okay.

    • Jean Curtis October 16, 2015 / 7:30 am

      thanks. I think I’ll give them a spa day in the washing machine.

  7. forevertoujoursaloe October 16, 2015 / 3:08 pm

    omg! my worst fear! It’s bad enough when I feel a spider crawling on my leg! Sounds like you need a spa day along with your jeans!

    • Jean Curtis October 16, 2015 / 3:25 pm

      well, it was unexpected so I didn’t have preconceived feelings. Knowing what I know now, even though they are frightened of humans, rats will run at you.

  8. Kipper October 16, 2015 / 9:17 pm

    Dog and I were out walking recently and encountered a mama opossum and her kids. Very scary. Mama opossum started hissing and walking towards us. Don’t know who ran faster…me or the dog!

  9. Practical Parsimony October 17, 2015 / 7:26 am

    I thought having a wasp up my pants was bad, but a rat would be worse! A baby raccoon tried to get into my house a few days ago. They are vicious, even when babies! I am glad the rat is dead!

  10. Glad October 18, 2015 / 4:34 am

    That’s not my worst fear, I couldn’t have imagined that scenario in my wildest imagination. You will never forget that ever! Well written scary story.

  11. bizzyella November 8, 2015 / 10:29 am

    Oh, horrible! I’d still be screaming. The rats have finally found my barn, or maybe I finally noticed that they found my barn. Every time I walk in there, I worry that something like this will happen to me. It’s knee-high rubber boots for the rest of the winter!

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